A dream is a wish your heart makes at night

conclusions

2006-11-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

I think i'll jump off a bridge and hope i'll learn to fly on the way down.
If it ends, it ends.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

"i think i've lost you." you said.
You did.

daddy

2006-08-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

Her hair was up in a ponytail, Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home,
Why the kids might not understand, and if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone,
And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school, Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees , A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet,
Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called, A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare,
Each of them was searching, For a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" She heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," Another dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me, Even though we are apart.
I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up, And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, He's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, But heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman And died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, It's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, And saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement, She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, Who knows what they felt inside, Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes were closed.
But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment.
By the love of her shining bright star. And given the gift of believing.

A message to you.

2006-08-10T02:30:00.000-07:00

A spirit that knows no limit. a being that knows no ceiling. A wordsmith with no possibility of retirement. not seduced by illusion or fair-weathered friends. with tendencies for conversations that raise brows. we share a similar culture vernacular. with love for dark humour and challanged defiance. A character who lives by the signals of only his own perceptions. He would not try to break my wall of defence. But instead lead me around it. With intuition as his guide.

you're an emotion away. Which emotion exactly i do not know. The mind its been messed. The heart won't be toyed. And when i recall of the time we met, The situation looked harmless enough. You were tempted. I was intrigued. Gambling cards were dealt at our table. But there were more players than we expected. They all had Kings or Jacks. But you revealed a double-edged Joker. And i. The only Queen.

Its wasn't all my fault. You and i. We respired even before any facts could properly transpire. And now from nowhere. My unfinished thing that firsts a lifetime. Your crazy thing that lasts a lifetime. Our duet that played the rhythm to which our hearts beat. You remember more than what was reminded. And reminded more than what i could remember. But still were not convinced enough to take on everything. People gamble to win. We win to gamble. Being the cautious idiots we are. We could just walk away. Like before.

Whatever motives you may have for doing what you do. A passion for contradiction. A dislike of the obvious. Or a simple wish to please. If there is a point you're trying to make. an intent you wish to execute. I just want you to know this. that your intentions have been genuinely and effectively brought across. To court or to not. To con or to fuse. Whatever it is. do get down to the heart of the matter soon.

And yes Mr Play It Safe. Meet Ms Play It Safer. I've got one hand in my pocket. And the other one's hailing a taxi. My tendency to want to do away feels natural. but my inclination to want to stay close feels like nature's call. You do not light up my life. You just make me colourblind.

The moon has turned to blood.

2006-07-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

The Stars will cry the blackest tears tonight.
Pour my heart onto these rooftops. Just a ghost to the world.
The hardest thing is to leave when you really want to stay.
You never asked me to go with you. So I sat. I sat here and waited for you. And then you never came back.

Broken knuckles, broken heart. I fell in love then fell apart. You tried to run, I tried to hide, still we managed to collide. Love leaves memories that no one can steal. But it also leaves a heartache that no one can heal.
There's nothing you can do or say you are going to break my heart anyway. So just leave the pieces when you go.

aLoha to all lOlx

2006-07-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

Jamie has been really busy these days lOlx so i help her to update. She has been a good girl, going to school and attend the respective lessons. haha i guess this is the first time in her entry that does not has any sad elements lOlx

That's all for now lOlx

oh yA jAMie want to say alOha to all lOlx =)

RayOz

Night lullaby

2006-06-02T01:29:00.000-07:00

One, two, three, she falls to her knees.

Broken in her own world. The sun has imploded, it has fallen into her. She burns, she burns with passion, False passion and Fragrant need. She shakes with the need, She trembles at the whim of it's fury. It is so strong, the passion so strong, so fake. And still she quivers under the dark light. The dark light within, The shadow that dwells coldly around her. So coldly, And yet it seers through her. It claims her like the broken prostitute makes claims to rape. She had wanted so much more than this for it. She could have given it her all. Her all, Her death, She's dead now.
Why did nothing ever turn out as she planned? Why could nothing be perfect? It's not fair, The bliss that fills her is so fake, so fake. she loves it. She loves it so, And it hurts, It burns like the passion but not. Candlelight silhouetted over scorched skin and outlined scars, but it's so beautiful. It's beautiful to her. The need. Still it takes her. The dew on her skin, Invisible in the darkness and present like early morning tears. It tastes of a stale spring, Tart and sour with rot, and sweet with growth. A sickness, it is, to be so trapped with the pain. But the light that burnt out inside her glows so wonderfully, Because it isn't there, It isn't there. And it fills her, it fills her like an opened whore, and she wants it, she wants it badly. but she doesn't, she needs. She needs to see the body. She needs to taste the full lips, she seeks them, she needs the skin, she craves the lips. she wants the touch, she longs.
Through the darkness she stumbles for them. and pleading, pleading, she stumbles. This is why she is on her knees. She made no God to her world, There is none to pray to and none will answer her. Why did this happen? The sun had left. The remnants only burning her more with need. Need must be fake because it is not returned. It looks so ugly, so hideous, but she sees, she sees past it all. It is gorgeous, it is hers. It was hers.

Three, two, one, she's come undone. It left. God. Give it back. like a phone beeping in denial, an operators voice within her chimes. it chimes so loudly.. We're sorry, God isn't here to day. God! No God! She is her own god. But her God is gone, is gone, with the sun that fell into her when it left. Give it back. Give her back. She unravles. She is dead to all now. If only she had seen. If she had seen how much her need was real. But so convinced otherwise, Her excuses, they flooded the realms. Until she took it away from her. She left her in her world with nothing but false hope. Nothing left to cling to in the cold of night, nothing to cause her skin to damp. It only sweats tears now, from her closed eyes. She keeps them closed, closed, forever closed. She doesn't want to see the truth, She can't see the truth in the darkness. She never loved her. And she wept, the dead wept for her, Lost for anything else. Lost without her, Tears to draw her back, eyes closed.
She didn't want to believe she wasn't coming home.

feel the rain; taste my pain.

2006-03-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

Push me up against the wall and kiss me like you mean it.
I am counting the days since you left me broken hearted and lonely.
Every lie you told me, i played another violin note on my wrists.
Before i beg, before i plead, cut open my heart and watch it bleed.
Holding my blade, watching my scar, I rip it open once again.
Your voice seems so far, then I find the light, in my everlasting sleep, because this cut, was the one too deep.

ulcers on soles

2006-03-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

For every heart that finds love, there is a heart that cries.
For every dream that is reborn, There is a dream that dies.
For every smile upon your face, There is a tear to cry.
For every happy hello, There is a sad goodbye.

The worst part of being lied to is realizing that you weren't worth the truth.
As I light this cigarette, tie yourself to the bed and burn with me. The deepest feelings are shown in silence.
She was born inside of a raindrop. I watched her falling to her death.
Hold me close. Don't let the wind follow, Don't let the wind take us away.

Harsh words and violent blows. Hidden secrets nobody knows. Eyes are open, hands are fisted. Deep inside she is hurt and blistered. So many tricks and so many lies. Too many whens and too many whys.
Sleeping awake and choking on a dream, Listening loudly to a silent scream. Call her mind, the number is unlisted. Lost in someone so warped and twisted. On her knees, Alive but dead, Look at the invisible blood she have bled. She is not gone, Her mind just drifted. Burnt out, Wasted, Empty, and Hollow, Today is just yesterday's tomorrow.

Fade away, You and me. You died for love. I soon perish for sanity.

eleven red roses

2006-01-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

We have just been introduced
I do not know you well.
But when the music started
Something drew me to your side.
So many men and ladies are in each other arms
It made me think we might be
similarly occupied.
Shall we dance on a bright cloud of music,
Shall we fly, Shall we dance,
Shall we then say goodnight
and mean goodbye?
Or per chance, when the last little star has left the sky,
Shall we still be together with our arms about each other
And shall you be my new romance,
On the clear understanding that
This kind of thing can happen
Shall we dance,
Shall we dance.
Shall we dance?

emotionally screwed

2006-01-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Voices in my head are talking to me once more.
I will never be alone again.
Welcome back.

capture the moonlight, save her soul.

2005-12-31T06:39:00.000-08:00

Perfect strangers, Two strange people. I have never met you, and you have never met me. I can not trust anyone, and i certainly should not be able to trust you. But i do, perhaps i do. The nights are cold as the days are in winter. Nothing has to do with loneliness. Things change, people do too. Stars and moon are bright tonight. I saw the moon in your eyes, And i know i am not the only one star watching tonight.

Eyes so dark and so consuming, Black and teary, Pits of pain. Screaming out in agony, Struggling again. Full of anger and full of hate, Pushing away the world around it, knowing fearfully it's too late. Hurt and sadness flows through veins, surronded by swirling scarlet fury. These eyes have ceased to see. A screen blocking the sun. A heart of ice is never melted. A broken furtile soul inside. It feels no pain and no emotions now. An empty shell, nothing to offer, they ripped it all away. They scratched at it, they screamed at it, They wounded it so well, and she bled it all away, into the darkness fell. She closed her mind against the knowledge, she gave her soul away. They tore the heart right out of her, she shut her lips and she would not say what they did to her, what she felt then. she wanted time to pass, she lets the midnight takes her, she lets her anguish lasts. I turned to look at her, so beautiful, i stared at her for hours. Her face is painted out of pain.

Trace the outline of the fallen leaf with fingertips. Whisper for me, and i promise i will never leave you again.

Rape the messenger,burn the words.

2005-12-27T12:47:00.000-08:00

Letter by letter, she typed the sadness into my heart.

Her: You have a way with words, you kept me smiling even though it tears my heart, -----------
Me : I think sometimes, you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
Her:I would change the world if i had the chance.
Me :I did'nt need you to change the world. I just needed you to see my tears before it falls from my eyes.I needed you when i was alone, and know that you are alone when you were not by my side at night. My heart ached completely every hour every day. I just needed you to think of me when it rained, and needed you to wonder am i alright. I just needed you, not half of you, ___
Don't look me in the eye and tell me you love me, I don't need to hear that lie. Getting over you was the hardest thing i ever had to do. I don't think i could ever do that again.

Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound, and how raindrops looks like tears without pain. I am never going to dance again the way i danced with you. Like remainders of an unwanted musical, You and me, We were fools to believe we could.

Dance for me baby, You're so pretty.

2005-12-23T22:35:00.000-08:00

My dreams are reality, the only kind of real fantasy i had. Written in the moonlight, painted on the stars, I will never stop missing you. But i would rather be a fool with a broken heart, than someone who never had a part of you. The world was never meant for someone as beautiful as you. If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I will walk up to heaven and bring you home again.

A starry starry night, You looked at me with eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodills, Catch the breeze. Frameless heads on nameless walls, A silver thorn of a bloody rose lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow. The sun is shinning but i do not feel the rays. You asked me what was wrong and i said nothing.You told me not to lie, i broke down and said everything. I was lost and you brought me home.
The fire in your eyes, the laughter in your voice. Ever since i met you on that cloudy day, I can not believe how much i love the rain. Close your eyes, forget about the drama and the lies. My burned soul, I bite my lips till it bleeds. Sing me to sleep, fly through my dreams, Tonight i am going to lie to myself, everything will be okay.

seeds of yesterday

2005-12-23T02:04:00.000-08:00

All the times we sat on the beach, looked at the sky and laughed at all the losers that believed in heaven, do you remember ? Now that you are gone, i pray to God that wherever you are, You are up there looking down at me, saying " Look at that loser, She believes in heaven."

Invisible rain

2005-12-17T16:28:00.000-08:00

Love . A short word, Easy to spell, Difficult to define, Impossible to live without. Nights drags on, seem so much more lonely than the day. If I had it my way, I would curl next to him and sleep to dream.

Days are getting shorter, air is getting cold. She stands alone in a room filled with recognizable faces but she feels so much like an intruder. Nothing good comes to mind lately, and her eyes form with tears everytime a sad song plays. Faces of strangers on the street seem to be recycled on to different bodies. A false hope of belonging. She've never been anything but a princess in a old faded gown. Close, but never quite good enough, easily forgotten.
I promised you starry night skies to match your shining bright eyes. And I promised you my smile on your perfect style. But I guess I promised too much, I'm missing your voice right now. Autumn's amber red shadows dance and the slow pace of the night has a quiet chill. I whispered your name so loudly I might scream.You never realize I'm here. Like Invisible rain I will fall on your skin unnoticed. Whispering slow words into your ear.
Kissing your body like Invisible rain. No matter how far I go or who I'm with, when it rains my heart belongs with you.

Petals in the wind

2005-12-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

Another Christmas is coming.
Every Christmas I pray.
Every Christmas I cry.
Maybe not on the outside but always on the inside. Another year passing, Another year ending.

I heard something at the window. Someone had been knocking or tapping on the glass. For an instant, I could picture you actually coming to tell me that you were wrong, that you actually do love me, and that you will never leave me alone again. Then, reality set in and the only thing I could hear was my heart breaking, for I know you are still lying ten feet in the ground. You lied, even in my dreams.

I told you I was afraid of falling. You whispered " I have wings, I will never let you fall." But you did.
I stood in the pouring rain tonight, screaming your name, as I watched you fly to the heavens.
My last memory of you, was blurred with tears not because you hurt me, but because I had to let you go. There was never anyone who loved me enough to stay.

Brand new day, Brand new scar, Brand new reason to go so far.
Brand new tears form in my eyes, and as blood drops down, I cry again, for you.
What a long night.

Missing words

2005-11-24T04:21:00.000-08:00

In the smile, not the tears, is where the heartache lives. Not in the lies, but the unspoken truth, is where thy pain is hidden. Silence is not an absence of words, but an overflow of emotional thoughts. Words can't give me the relief I need now.

She was playing bitter chords on her acoustic guitar. There weren't any words but she keeps playing the song, hoping someone will hear the heartache in each note. Hoping someone will hear more than just a sad song.

I heard her song. I heard her pain. I heard her soul. And it took my breath away.

Broken rainbows

2005-11-13T04:07:00.000-08:00

Sanity's hold is losing grip or it is just letting me go. My fingers have been holding for so long it will be easier just to fall. But I am afraid to fall because I don't know where I will land and I might not be able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again .
Lost in this doll house world of porcelain and glass, I can't seem to break free from myself .

Looking up at the sky, I wonder who could be crying up in the heavens, who could be crying so quiet and for so long, and who would choose to cry over me. This falling rain is so hard and cold; I reached back into my past and pull out some forsaken dreams .That is all I have left to show for my life.

I threw them to the wind to fly on their own, but they fell and shattered like stained glass, broken rainbows on the floor, glittering like dying stars. I picked up the pieces but all that is left is my severed heart ,an open wound. Another battle scar to hide from the world.

I lost my way somewhere and I can't remember where I started. But whatever I left behind is probably something best forgotten .

nightmare of the raging sea

2005-09-15T01:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt as though i am breaking into a thousand pieces. I remembered so little and yet i want to remember so much more and i lose hold of more than i started with. There are so many things that i just could not touch, and so many more that i can barely see or understand.

Images flashed, Voices cried .
Going down, spiraling down. I could see it all but no one could see me. I am drowning in a sea, an ocean of crimson pain.
"Don't make me stand alone."
No one heard me my pleas, felt my distress and see my grief.
Falling into a burning sea of rotting memories; drowning in a sea of scarlet pain.

I swear i heard you calling out into the night, your voice so clear, and you were calling out my name, in a twisted, helpless sort of way . Almost as if you were drowning . Perhaps it is your turn to drown in a raging sea, your turn to watch holy angels burn, your turn to cry, my turn to die.

love is a four letter lie

2005-09-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone asks me:
"Don't you wish?",
"Don't you hope?",
"Don't you dream?" ,and I replied,
"Yes I used to, until I met someone who woke me up."

The truth is I miss you with all my heart and I can't stand the sound of your name because it hurts too much. The fact that I will never see you again makes it even worse. I was and still am completely and utterly in love with you. You make me feel like no one else can. You always know how to make me smile and not one of those fake smiles I always have on.But now that you are gone, and not coming back, I need you to know, just how much I love you and just how much I need you and i pray that you can come back somehow.

Goodbye hurts more than anything.Especially when deep down i know i am never going to say hello again.We used to be normal until we met each other,and after you are gone, I am never going to be normal again.Tonight, I will stand in the light, so you can count how many tears fall from my eyes, and this time I will be alright, My heart cant get any worse. When i look at the stars they shine of your eyes. The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight.Yet your so above me and i cannot fly. To the angel above me i long to be with.

sweet dreams,angel.

2 hearts entwined

2005-08-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

I hate goodbyes. It gives me an empty feeling that starts in my stomach, and spreads all over until i feel like a shadow of myself. Each goodbye diminishes me a little, some part of me leaves along with the person i love, and there is the unnerving feeling that i might have said goodbye forever without realizing it.

In the strong wind, the trees seemed to be beckoning to me. The voice in the wind, " run jamie run." What difference does it makes where i went, what turns i made, or where i ended up? During my walks with her, she and me came upon a fish in the sand.

"Will it swim again?" i catechized her.
"In a way. It will change into something else, be born again. "
"Can i ever see?"
"We can't see that. Some things are too magical for us to see. Instead, we have to believe without seeing. Can you believe in the fish, and its magic?"

I nodded even though i didn't know what she meant. Years later, i came upon a still fish lying in the sand. My heart felt so heavy and sad, but suddenly, Its tail fluttered once more and the fish turned over as if it was faking death. It dove into the water and disappeared.

" can you believe in the fish? and the allurement? I could believe; I could believe forever and ever. She gave me the gift of faith and the ability to postulate.
It has been more than 2 years, but i could still see her, swimming happily like the fish, waving to me and shouting happily," See jamie see. Death doesn't stop a person. As long as you love me and i love you, Memories can bring back happiness, And as long as you have faith, you will know that i will always be with you."

I thought of you. The 5th year it is, today.
Your death anniversary. But no longer do i missed you. I could just look into my heart, and find you there.

Forever is Never

2005-08-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

Everything is just an illusion."
I had forgotten who said that. But the words have been inscribed in my brain till now. I hope she is right. It is happier to think that I am just playing a game. A player in life. But I rather prefer to be a watcher. A watcher doesn't take risks , heart open to all emotions out there. Protected.

Spasmodic nights.
Irrational thoughts.
Emotions unconstrained.

Kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken as easily as they are made, and sometimes, goodbyes are really forever.
I see you all the time, under my lids. Hear your whispers, in my head. Torment me no more if you have some love left for me. The price of loving you is much too high.

Min, Your beautiful little girl doesn't feel so beautiful anymore.

love is just a fantasy

2005-07-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe the most painful thing in the world was loving someone who would never love you. You had to compensate and tell yourself that it just wasn't meant to be, and there was such a thing as soul mates and yours was yet to be discovered. But that was hard to do.

Very hard to do.

I once heard someone said that people could love each other without liking each other. It was as if love was something that came included with being born into the family. It was expected, part of what and who you were. Mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, everyone was expected to love everyone, but when it came right down to it, personalities were so different, and there were so many resentments floating around that liking each other was a real challenge.

A sweet fantasy, almost real, but never within touch.
I wished for many things.

The clock move their hands, their ticks like drops of rain falling on our ears, reminding us that we could wish all we wanted , but we could not keep tomorrow away. Illusions , Distortions , Realility , Dreams , Imaginations. I don't really care anymore.

A game of secrets

2005-06-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

I thought hard about what to do , but nothing comes to mind. Instead, images of her, certain people , swept through my mind. Again, I lie awake . Looking around outside my window, people are walking around forcefully, with a purpose. It seems that no matter where they go, there will always be someone welcoming them.

Maybe this is a make believe world. Maybe I am asleep now when I think I am awake. An old Japanese poem comes to mind.
"A man sat under the tree and dreamed he was a butterfly.
Or was it a butterfly who dreamed he was a man?"

When are we really awake? When are we really asleep? I am tired , I really am. I am too young to be this tired. I turned to her, but she isn't there. She wasn't there all along.

emotionless like the stars

2005-06-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

The stars shine so bright tonight they are almost painful to look at.
Perhaps if I look long enough, one of them will look back, not just shine, but shine for me. I stared at the brightest one and I wondered if anyone else has ever seen it, if anyone else has ever claimed it, or if this star has gone unnoticed all these years and I am the first to ever look upon its beauty.
Or maybe it is a baby star, just formed, just born, maybe just for me, and made only for my eyes to see. This is my star, my dream in the sky ,mine , and only mine.
Perhaps if I stare long enough , it will whisper in my ear , tell me stories, sing me lullabies as I drift off to sleep and shine on me until the dawn, holding me in it's soft light.

But the star is so bright , too bright. Almost as if it doesn't want me to look at it , doesn't want my eyes to behold its brilliance , or to know its secrets of the ancient worlds .

So bright . So beautiful . So painful .
I had to look away. My eyes burn from the pain, but my heart knows I just let go of something so beautiful and I know I will never again come upon anything near so innocent and pure .

The sound of the waves breaking on the sand. The sound of rustling leaves. The feeling of the damp breeze blowing on your face. Birds chirping, and the feeling that you are all alone in the world.

Sam is going (migrating?) to London.
Heavy hearted I feel.

The burden of my song

2005-05-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Oh starless night, rock me to sleep
into thy kingdom of immortal deep
where shade has no color,
and shape has no form
where i look to suffice and seek no more
where i can die for beauty,
little or long
this be the burden of my song.

Through winter's cold and summer's heat
i must never know defeat
my dreams so close and yet so far
more distant than this fading star
where I can die for truth,
right or wrong
this be the burden of my song.

i loathe not life nor dread my end
but hear soft voices in the fading wind
i lay down my memories like careful art
merely to comfort this saddened heart
i want to die for my youth,
come and gone
this be the burden of my song.

Flashbacks

2005-05-18T01:26:00.000-07:00

An disciple woke up, crying intensely.
His master asked," Did you had a nightmare?"
The disciple responded, " no."
"Then why did you cry?" , The master questioned.
The disciple replied," I had the sweetest dream. I cried, for i know that the dream will never come through."

It's just me. Never you.

2005-04-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

In the darkness over the phone, i could picture the tears clouding her eyes, despite her grand attempts to prevent it. She was always afraid to reveal her emotions. I could remember when she was still a child. She would tightened her face into that inscrutable mask. There was a second level in the depth of her eyes that nobody could reach, not even me.

" did i say i loathe you?"
" no. but i can feel it."
"Is'nt it strange, how love that we need to survive, can be so deadly. Put your heart into it today, and it will feel so good, so comforting. Then put more of yourself until you are completely in it and it will claim you and smother the life out of you."
"Why are you telling me all these? Please don't ignore me."

These things just keep coming at my weakest hour.

First entry.

2005-04-13T02:59:00.000-07:00

Rain. Continue to pour. Drown all my sorrows. Drown me.

" Be careful whom you permit to touch you deeply". My heart should had harden about these words. Forsaken promises are like hand and foot prints imprinted on cement. I carry them within my heart until i die, and maybe afterwards. The deeper you love someone, the deeper the pain is when they are gone , and they will be gone. It makes me paranoid when i feel myself draw close to someone, and lay awake at night worrying about the next step to save myself from falling when they are gone.

I am terrified of what pain of deep sorrow can make a person do. I realized that cruelty comes in many forms. Ignorance is one of them. Perhaps the worst.I want to rest, Rest for as long as it takes when all my insecurties and sadness disappear.

Numbing is the best feeling i had ever discovered. Accusing fingers, friendless days, it made my days more enduring. It is sad how things gets complicated when one grows older and colder , with more important and urgent issues suffocating them.

Fairy tales. Happily ever after. I used to dreamed that i was snow white or something. Fantasize. Escape from reality. Too bad that my life will never be a fairy tale. No happily ever after. No sunny happy days where birds seemed to know one's joy and sing at the top of their lungs. No one to comfort me when i scrap my knee or kiss my tears away when unkind outsiders mock me. No one to run to after school, waiting with their arms spread wide open to welcome me .

Funny how some people spent their whole life trying to be different from the rest when i spent mine trying to fit into the crowd.I had always envy people. I wanted sincere friends that stayed. Pets that would never die. Someone special, whose feelings would never fade. But at my side of the field, no green grass grew on my dry and stony earth. I am standing on a dead ground. Perhaps a blade of grass will grow up once in a while., but it would not stay, Nothing stays with me as long as i want it to, no matter how hard i try. People looking through me confirms my mad suspicison that i am truly disappearing. Everyone will notice a pebble in their shoe. I am nothing compared to a small pebble. I am lowly significant. Easy to be crushed under one's feet.

This is my blog. This is my first entry. These are my rants.